Chapter 4 : Destabilizing Factors
September 30, 1998
I'm having a re-occuring dream.

Well, it has occurred twice, in the span of three or four days. And because it is so upsetting, I'm considering it re-occurring. Now, regardless of what it is about, its content is powerful enough to have me distracted from my daily routine, interfering in my basic thoughts.

The odd things is that this dream doesn't conform to reality. It depicts an event that, in my worst of times, I truely believe it would be impossible to happen. Honestly opening myself up to the possibilty, I simply cannot comprehend any circumstance in which it could or would occur.

So that leaves me confused and troubled. My mind, when under my conscious control, wants to be able to reason this out. A flight of fancy, a correlation to something I saw, heard, or did throughout the day. Such as being caught in a massive fire-fight on the moon after watching ten consecutive hours of Starship Troopers or Babylon 5 mixed in with TLC's special on astronomy. This I can understand and grasp.

Or even a faux replay of an event in the past, like being in the car and having it slip on the ice. Instead of recovering, the car keeps sliding towards that cliff (that was a tree in the actual event), going over and plunging me to my death. This doesn't bother me as much.

When I was young, I was chased by a giant wolf in a huge kitchen with a lot of cabinets that behaved like doors in a Bugs Bunny cartoon, being able to go in one and out the other (my earliest repetitive nightmare). I was terrified, but soon learned to deal with it. I would outsmart the wolf, somewhat controlling my dream, and somehow understanding that I was dreaming and I could do anything I wanted. Although this dream ended when I was about 10 or so, I had it once more in my 20's. It was pretty funny, actually, and when I woke, I was once more victorious, having kicked the wolf repeatedly the ass by sneaking up on him.

I would continue to 'alter' my dream, nightmarish or not. I really haven't had a real 'nightmare' since my early teens. Maybe occassionally, a Freddy-like character would invade, but after a few nights, I'd figure it out and blast him to bits with some hand-held neutron device, laser, or fireball (from Firestarter).

But this dream is bothering me. There isn't a monster, per se. There is a 'situation.' Maybe it's a realization of one of my worst fears. But just the realization that it is something I fear should give me some comfort in why I was having this dream.

But it doesn't.

Realizing it is one of my fears should give me some control, or lessen its impact.

But it hasn't.

The second occurance went a step further in the fear. And developed the characters more. Not only were the characters familiar, but they behaved as if they were just as confused and incredulous that any of this was happening.

Which contributed to the reality of it. Because the characters seemed as confused as I was, I couldn't blame the situation on an external factor that may have resulted in this dream taking place. I couldn't because I couldn't get past the situation to why it was taking place.

The 'Why' in a dream usually seems to correlate to the 'Why' in real life; not always direct parallels, but causal factors none the less.

But here I am stuck with this vivid, disturbing image in my head without any rhyme or reason why. And it's tearing me up inside. It really is.

If I have it again, I don't know what I'm going to do. Or what I should do.

Sweet dreams.

[...Index...] [...Previous] [Keep going...]